Strange times don’t even begin to explain this. Yesterday I sat on my bed with my daughters and we all worked on our homework. My oldest daughter said, ” I don’t know if I can do this much longer, mom”. There was silence and we could hear the rain outside, thundering against the ground. And then we heard a bird, not chirping, but singing. I told my daughter we need to be like that bird, it’s raining on our lives right now, but that doesn’t mean we can’t find some happiness.
My most impactful memory of the situation so far happened on the last day of classes before spring break. We were frantic, not because of the virus but because the last day before break is loaded with deadlines. I had fifteen minutes before my next class and ten of that needed to be spent cram-studying for that day’s quiz, but I was trying to fit in every last second with my friends from the class that had just ended. Pretty soon I was forced to run off to the next building but as I was jogging away it finally hit me that I wouldn’t be seeing these people again and that even though nothing was final, we most likely wouldn’t be coming back after break. I would have hung around longer or skipped class to have one last lunch together but there were too many grades on the line and I really didn’t have a choice but to move on to the next thing. I realize how uneventful this story really is, but it sticks in my head as the first moment I felt that things had spiraled out of control and the first time that I felt powerless amidst the pandemic.
I miss the high stress of finals. I used to love how everyone would stress out together and we wouldn’t sleep at all. Now it’s just me, but at least I’m sleeping, mainly because all my finals are take home and spread out and I had 3 finals week and one due the week before and they’re all papers and due Mon, Wed, Fri evening/night. I miss my friends. I miss getting lunch with people. I miss my bed and room and school bc I have an amazing mattress topper and a really nice single. I miss parties with friends. I miss all the fun that used to happen and make school more of an enjoyable experience rather than just school y nada más. I miss having access to more clothes rather than just what I packed which are winter clothes and it is no longer winter. I miss bonding experiences with friends and the choir tour I would have gone on to Italy and Slovenia for which I still get STEP emails for. I miss campus food. Ya I miss like everything, but most of all, I miss social interaction.
Oh my gosh “are there things I miss?”, of course there are things I miss! I miss literally everything! I miss my old personality and my usual self and the more energy I had rather than being a sloth and beating myself up for not having enough energy. I miss my friends and people most of all, and physical touch. I am oh so lonely, I barely see my roommate and haven’t carried out a conversation with a real life person since the first week of school. If I do talk to people, it’s over the phone or over Zoom or FaceTime. But I also have kind of avoided being in contact with people to the extent I usually was because they always want to know where I am or how I’m doing and I don’t enjoy explaining that I don’t have a good home situation and am therefore not at home. Like I like to pretend I’m fine and have resources and am happy. But that’s kind of hard so I haven’t been reaching out as much because I don’t want to expose myself and people to ask me questions.
I am the younger of two siblings, and I was always the one who had the most trouble with education. During high school I found out I was struggling with depression and was constantly stressed and anxious. My first year of college was the worst. I had nowhere to go, and felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. I struggled to get through most days and even considered drastic measures. This continued into sophomore year, until I found my people. I began the process to be accepted into a small program at my school which was a grueling process. But I was accepted, and quickly became close with a small group in the program. These people pulled me up and helped me everyday. We told each other everything and lifted one another up. If one of us was going through something, someone was always there to help you through it. I was not one for big social gatherings, and survived off of close small groups of friends. And this is what I found. We spent every day together and learned the deepest parts of each other. They’re my best friends and will continue to be for years down the road. That’s the one thing I’m most thankful for from my experience.
All teaching has moved to digital formats and while I appreciate the effort from the staff, digital teaching is sloppy and insufficient for a visual degree. Like many art schools, our degree show has been cancelled, along with several competitions and residency opportunities, and our graduation is postponed. NUA is “looking into” a digital degree show but with the high prices students pay they feel entitled to a physical degree show. With the cancellation of nearly every aspect of my future university education, I am pushed further and further into the role of unhappy customer; a role I never wanted to take. Although we weren’t affected by the UK teaching strikes (though I know many who were), with a month off at Christmas, 3 weeks off in April, and an international pandemic halting normal life as well as education, my “University” experience this year is disappointing to say the least. It feels like I’ve been running a marathon and at mile 25 I’ve been told, “Don’t worry, that will do, you can stop now”.
Overall, I’m not learning anything. At all. It is a huge waste of time and money. I’m lucky I’m still in my undergraduate because the upper level classes that I’ll need to eventually take do not translate well online. I wish I could still be living at school, seeing my friends on a daily basis, being involved on campus, going to the gym, going out with friends, having movie nights, etc. I miss the way my life was. It was perfect. I had all my shit together and in a blink of an eye, everything that mattered to me shifted so drastically it was unrecognizable. I even miss my two on-campus jobs. I miss the routine of everything, the feelings of accomplishment I would get after having a successful board meeting for one of the organizations I was involved in. If classes are online for another semester, assuming it does not affect my scholarships or financial aid, I am highly considering taking a semester off until everything is back to normal.
